I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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