the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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