Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
