You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
