This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
