Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
