i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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