Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
