like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
