how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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