Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
