Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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