after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
