saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I look better un-naked...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize