I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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