highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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