Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
