my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
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So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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