I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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