u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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