Your dad touched me again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
