Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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