His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
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high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
im on a boat
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