I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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