I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
