Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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