Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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