omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
