My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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