Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
