It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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