I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize