my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
