What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
