the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
