i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
