i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
