Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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