I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
