Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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