girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
