Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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