Got a toothbrush?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
