I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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