Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am naked and annoyed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
