first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
