got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
