Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
