the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
