even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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