He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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