Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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