Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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