So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize